I promise I am still here!! But my header does say it all.
WARNING: This post will not be crafty in ANY way, and get's a little personal, so please read on at your own risk!
This is my blog right? So I can share my feelings about what is going on and it's safe right?? right???
Only kidding, I know there are always those folks that are out there to say negative things, but truly, I am not worried, so nener nener nener come and get me!! ;) {giggle}
Alright back to what I came for. Over the last few years my health has seemed to head down hill. So let's take a stroll back to the beginning!
In May of 2005 I worked my buns off to lose weight before my wedding. And I lost 70 pounds!! All I did was ate fresh healthy foods, and moved my body more. No gimmicks, no strict diets, just good healthy food!
As time went on I started to put the weight back on as a lot of people do. I was always happy with my body for the most part. It wasn't perfect, but it was me. Being that I am 5'10" and come from a family of big (boned) people I knew I had no hope of ever being a size 2, so I never tried, nor had that vision in my head.
I was a very healthy woman, who never ever went to the doctor unless it was an absolute must.
About 5 years ago in 2007 I started having horrible headaches, and my vision was getting bad. So I went to the doctor, and she told me I had tension headaches and to take some excedrin for it. She also advised me to see the eye doctor.
I did just that, and it was then that I became woman who all of a sudden needed to wear eye glasses all of the time. Wow, like overnight?? It was so crazy to me, but those glasses truly made all the difference.
About another year went by, and the headaches were still there. During this years time, a cousin of mine had passed away at the young age of 23 due to a brain tumor. This was my second cousin to have a brain tumor, and both started with headaches. So back to the doctor I went, this time telling her about my cousin's. She wasted no time, and got me an appointment for a ct scan to check my brain.
A week later I went in, had the scan, and then waited........ You know that dreaded "am I going to die" wait. And then the phone rang. It was the nurse from my doctors office telling me that they found some cysts and that I needed to go see a specialist.
I was devastated! Here I am a young newly married wife with 2 small children, and faced with this. After watching my cousin, and his family go through what they did, I was terrified for everyone!!
It was an entire month before I could be seen, which seemed like a year... My mom and husband joined me for the appointment, of course fearing the worst. We go in, sit down and wait for the doctor..... she comes in, sits down and say "so tell me whats going on." WHAT?!?!?! Tell you, you tell me... are you for real??
Come to find out, the cysts are perfectly normal according to her..... so I spent an entire month living in fear over something that is completely normal??
Ok, close that chapter, now moving on to the next. In 2008 my dads company was hit by the recession and we ended up losing our health insurance at work. Now that I had a clean slate I was ok with it. We did make sure the kids were cover, so no worries there.
I have lived with headaches ever since then. Changed my diet, my exercise, sleep... you name it. I still get headaches.
Within the last 2 years my body has slowly started to give up. I've put on so much weight, am always tired, usually moody, feel unhappy (although I am good at acting happy), my hair started falling out, and I was developing a funny rash around my shoulders and arms. So in September I knew it was time to be seen again. Without health insurance the bills can add up.
I went in, showed my doctor my rash, told her my feelings (cried my eyes out) and she told me that my rash was actually patechiae, caused by either a blood vessel rupture, or chronic illness. She was actually pretty worried and ordered up some blood work. Everything else, she pretty much says it comes with age, and that I needed to lose weight. DUH!!
I had the blood work done, and never heard a word. So 2 weeks I received a letter that stated "everything is normal" So what does that mean? It means that my blood results were within normal range. Now I am not a doctor, but I got a copy of my test and my white blood cell counts are all low, and there are several blood levels within .01 of the range. Whatev..... I was so irritated and emotionally upset that I just paid $400 to be told I am fine, when truly, I knew I was not fine.
So here we are today, 8 months later and it's worse! Yes, worse!
Here is where we get personal. December 24th of 2011 was the last time I had a period. Now, my body has been known to skip a period or two, but never 6 in a row! After 2 months I took a pregnancy test, only to find out it was negative. Ok, so thats good news, my period should start any day now.... wrong!
Last week I had some friends (I know you are reading this) try to convince me that I could be pregnant and just not know it. And one night I got out of the shower, stood in front of the mirror and gazed at my ever growing belly. And yes, my belly and my face are the only thing really growing.
I had a moment of pure panic come over me, I sat on the ground naked and poured my eyes out. What if I am pregnant and I haven't known. I just had a few drinks at dinner tonight.... What if I'm not? What is happening to my body?
I wake up every morning and can barely climb out of bed. It's like my body was hit by a truck. I lay awake at night, and cry as if I am the most depressed woman ever. I truly do not know who I am today. I am in so much pain it's almost unbearable.
Late the following night, I couldn't take it anymore, and ran sprinted to the store at 10:30pm to get a pregnancy test. I had to know! I knew in my gut that it would be negative, but the belly could have fooled me. Great news, I AM NOT PREGNANT! And I bought 3 tests, to confirm for 3 days straight!
However, now I ask myself, would it be better to be pregnant? What else could it be?
I am not one to complain much, and have a very high tolerance for pain, but I am over it! And the worst part is that I have no health insurance.....
I will be the first to admit that I went straight to the internet to "self diagnose" myself. B-A-D idea.... I went from being diagnosed with a thyroid problem, to ovarian cancer within minutes... BAD I tell you!!
Of course I was so stressed out in tears, fearing the worst. I had a great talk with my husband and came to the decision not to worry and no matter what he was there for me. I felt a lot better, but of course I still want to know what is going on.
So as for now, I wait. I wait for health insurance through a private provider, then I wait to see the doctor. And I PROMISE to stay off the internet.
Thank you to all of my readers who took the time to read my little rant about feeling like crapola!! I truly appreciate all of your support!
You will all know whats going on as soon as I do!!
